The Following Conversation Never Took Place

The headline is true. The following conversation between the three producers of LFTI never really did take place. Our actual conversations on this topic were much less colorful and interesting, though the real solution is probably going to be more viable and humorful.

* * * * * *

"Okay, so Kate will not be a regular part of the show anymore. What do we do?"

"I say we add a new character to replace her."

"I agree."

"Really? I don't think so. It's been done to death."

"True."

"Isn't that the 'sit' part of 'sitcom'?"

"No."

"I agree."

"So if we don't replace Kate with a new character, do we just leave the cast at four characters?"

"That's a bit unbalanced. We need a fifth character to—"

"Non-character."

"—Yes, non-character to create the 5-person imb—"

"Non-person."

"—Yes, non-person to... imbalance... what was I saying?"

"Probably something about cake."

"No, I get it. We need a 5th... something in Kate's place. But what? An animal? We could add an animal to the cast."

"Like a shark? Yeah, we could put a shark in the cast, then the other characters can all spend the next episode jumping it."

"If you don't like the animal idea, just say so."

"I don't like the animal idea."

"Yeah, me neither. Could it be some kind of super-sentient, non-corporeal being?"

"What, like in Star Trek or something?"

"Er... Yeah. Er... No."

"No."

"No."

"Inanimate, then."

"Probably. Not much choice left if they can't be human or animal or non-corporeal."

"Okay, so an inanimate object. Sounds cool. Unique. I don't think this has ever been done."

"Vegetable or mineral?"

"Vegetable."

"I don't know. No one likes vegetables."

"I love vegetables! Some of them, anyway."

"It could be a tree. That's vegetable without being a vegetable."

"Oh. Right."

"No, we don't have to stick with such rigid boundaries! There are many things that are neither vegetable nor mineral! Like an awning."

"I think that would fall under mineral."

"Really?"

"Technically. If its not animalistic or vegetablistic, it falls under mineral."

"Missiles are ballistic."

"Ha! Ha ha. Ha."

"Okay, well, whether it's a mineral or ballistic or not, I think we need to find something that would fit into the situation. You know, the 'sit' of 'sitcom.'"

"Fit in like in the apartment?"

"Yeah."

"The keyboard! That fits in perfectly, both in the apartment and situation-wise."

"It does kinda work..."

"Except the keyboard has been in every episode already, but has not been called out. It needs to be something new."

"Yeah. Maybe... the sofa? No, also been there."

"Not the new sofa."

"Oh, yeah! The new sofa!"

"Shhhhhh! Don't give that away! It's a major plot point for #8!"

"Sorry. Should I delete my tweet about it?"

"I did that already."

"Good."

"It can't be the sofa. I think it should be something portable, and something we haven't seen before."

"Yeah, we don't want two characters—"

"NON-characters!"

"We don't want two non-characters who can't leave the apartment."

"You mean we don't want one character and one non-character who can't leave the apartment."

"What, as they say, ever."

"Let's focus."

"A book. A lamp."

"A pencil. A bottle. A toiletry."

"A Christmas ornament. A bag of peas. A phone number."

"Isn't a phone number non-corporeal?"

"Not if it's written down."

"A hat. A shoe. A pair of socks. A dirndl."

"Shorts. Jeans. Underwear."

"Oh, all of that stuff!"

"Clothes! Mason's clothes!"

"Oh, yeah! A pile of Mason's clothes! Think of all the symbolism that could bring!"

"And the irony."

"And the marketing options."

"This is great."

"I think we can do this."

"So it's settled. We'll replace Kate with a pile of Masons clothes..."

"They should be clean."

"...with a pile of Mason's clean clothes..."

"In a laundry basket."

"...with a pile of Mason's clean clothes in a laundry basket."

"This is exciting!"

"I can't wait 'til our fans see this!

"I can say for certain that there are no MASSIVE FAILURES in our future!"