Our Apple Episode has been Zuned!

We are still being featured on iTunes, which is incredibly exciting. Our feature moved from the first thing you see to being the second or third in the feature image cycle, so our iTunes viewings have gone down a bit this week. However, our numbers at blip.tv, which supplies our feeds, have been holding steady, with a mysterious "other" the source of our feed views.

A friend of Robb's told him LFTI is now available on the Zune, so we have a Zune podcast page now. Which is cool, and would explain the "other" source. But why were we getting so many views? We had to be featured somewhere...

Just for fun, I went to the Zune site, and lo and behold:



(Click to see it larger.)

We are also featured on the Zune podcast page. Did they decide that, if we are good enough for the iTunes podcast page, we are good enough for the Zune podcast page?

iTunes podcast page:



Zune podcast page:



Well, whatever the reason, we're very glad to be featured. We're whores that way. Of course. What tiny, independent Internet web show isn't, really?

Whatever side of the Apple/Microsoft fence you fall on, click below to subscribe to the show!

iTunes link

Zune link

Tonight We're Gonna Print Signs Like It's 1984

Well, episode 8 is going swimmingly, with our iTunes feature and some great feedback from our YouTube fans. Time to talk about some of the work that went into the show. Robb's already been posting some wicked cool music from this episode, so today I am going to show you some classic Neo Amish literature and signage.

First of all, do you remember this?



If you do, you should enjoy today's tale. Print Shop (no one ever called it THE Print Shop) was a revelation in the early age of personal computers, especially for a type-loving kid like me. I could make signs and banners and greeting cards on the Apple IIe! No more messing around with hand-drawn stuff! (That's not really true in my case... I still made hand-drawn posters, but I won't get into all that here.)

Print Shop's output would, today, be laughable,with it's extremely low resolution and reliance on dot matrix printers. But it was a great program at the time. I loved it. So of course, since the Neo Amish could use no technology created after 1984, I wanted to make sure their flyer and bake sale signs looked like they were printed with Print Shop (or something similar) on a dot matrix printer whose ribbon was very well worn.

Creating retro computer printouts is rather hard. First of all, the font could not be all laser-printy smooth, but had to be pixelated. To do that in Photoshop meant creating a bitmap document, 11" x 8.5" at 72dpi. In this mode, it's just like working in an old graphics program. Type would not be re-editable once I'd laid it down. It was draggable once after being created, so I could do some rudimentary layout. Moving it afterward meant cutting out the text using a marquee or lasso tool and dragging it along with its white background. Does this all sound familiar?

Though I did not have the Print Shop font, I chose fonts that looked like they might have come bundled with Print Shop: Times and Galleria. Amelia BT was used in the Neo Amish logo, which Robb designed. (He did not realize he got the N backwards until much later. I hand't brought it because I thought he'd done it on purpose. It was perfect that way!)

After the layout was done, I spent a few hours in the Hall of Trial and Error. Here, I was trying to get a dot matrix look, including some pixels, ink smear, and the stripes where the ribbon was wearing out. I applied three different layers to get something that would hopefully pass muster on screen. Here's an enlarged detail, best showing the smear. Click the image to see it full-size.



Here, then, is the entire Neo Amish flyer, fresh from the Image Writer! Click on the pics to see them full size. (1984's full size is not as terrifyingly huge as today's full size.)

The front:



The back:



I didn't spend as much time writing this flyer as I had the ABSRD flyer for episode 7, but I can assure you that all typos were created on purpose. I was very happy to bring back the original, full term "douche bag," progenitor of today's popular "douche."

The flyers we used in the show had the NA logo taped into place, like it was just easier to paste the logo onto the flyer and Xerox the whole thing. But we did use the pixelated logo for the bake sale signs. Mostly out of laziness.

Ah, yes! The bake sale! Here's where the dot matrix printer ribbon mess could really shine. Most signs had both a Times and a Galleria version. Here's a sample. Again, click them to see them full size.











So there you have it! Can you just feel the authenticity? I'm sure someone from one of those font archaeology sites would have many nits to pick. If so, leave a comment. I love font archeology sites. I'd put a link here so you could visit one, but I seem to have lost them all...

Thanks for reading, and be sure to watch the exciting conclusion to episode 8 next Monday!

Ides? What Ides?

I know. The Ides of March is in the middle of the month, but so what? Considering it's been a month since we last posted, accuracy should be the least of any of our concerns right now. I know my concern is loss of connection, loss of momentum, loss of my car keys (where the hell are they, anyway?). In fact, you might be reading this and not even remembering why you subscribed to this blog in your RSS reader in the first place. A month is a long, long time on the Interwebnets!

In consideration of such, hello. How are you? I'm Steve. I co-produce and act in an online sitcom called Life from the Inside. It's very funny, and the cast and crew are a bunch of cut-ups, which provides this blog with unending source material. Er, or not. Actually, I'm not sure if we've ever written about the cutting-uppiness that goes on on the set. Have we? I doubt it.

Remember the Duke of Doubt? He was the single most annoying character* in the Burger King ads in the early '80s. I hated him, even from an early age, and if you think the word "hate" is too strong a word to use in this case, you'd be dead wrong. I loathed the ads, but I hated the Duke of Doubt. Those stupid ads, coupled with my dislike of Burger King's nasty burgers (shouldn't flame broiling make meat taste more like it's been barbecued and less like it's been passed over lightly with a Zippo scented with yuck?) make me, to this day, a McDonald's man.

"McDonald's?" I hear you ask. "Really? You think Burger King's burgers are nasty, but McDonald's's are okay to you?" I answer you in this way: "Yes. Yes, I do. And here is why..." I then launch into a paragraphs-long dissection of the difference between nasty yucky food and totally wicked delicious yucky food. To spare you that, because I know you are a busy person and can barely read this through the shock of me having posted in the first place, I'll boil it down to some comparisonal foodal examples. Del Taco? Nasty yucky. Taco Bell? Totally wicked delicious yucky. Pizza Hut? Nasty yucky. Papa John's? Totally wicked delicious yucky. Dunkin' Donuts cake donuts? Nasty yucky. King Soopers butter cream-filled, chocolate-covered, raised long john donuts? Totally wicked delicious yucky.

Now you try! _______________: nasty yucky. _______________: totally wicked delicious yucky.

Well done!

All this talk of totally wicked delicious yucky food has me recalling what my friend, Greg, told me on the phone last night. He said his son, Liam, has a book about Yummy and Yucky things. Liam loves the book, but he tends to get the two words mixed up. Which I understand. I do it all the time with alliterative words. So Liam will walk around the house, drinking a yummy drink he loves, and saying "Yucky!" all the while. Très, as the French say, funny.

Which brings me rather tidily back to this blog post. How? Well, obviously, you can now see what happens to us when we take some time off from our official fan communication duties. We become unfocused, a point this whole, useless post proves with aplomb.

To salvage this post from complete uselessness, I shall say two very interesting things to you that have to do with the show, Life from the Inside, for which I'm a producer and actor (see above).

Uno: Big thanks to John for helping us out with publicity. PUBLICITY! I know, right? Get ready to see us on The View!

Divi: Episode 8 will be out in mere weeks. Robb is finishing it up as we speak. Though you and I are not really speaking, are we? I'm more typing, and you're more reading, which isn't really speaking at all. It's more... corresponding, except without the immediacy of paper, stamps, and the U.S. Postal Service. "The what?" Oh, you youngsters!

Thank you very much for reading. See you next month!

* * * * * *

*Sir Shake-a-Lot and The Burger Thing were just as annoying, but the Duke of Doubt wins because someone has to win. Life's all about winning.

References

The Duke of Doubt: YouTube Link

Sir Shake-a-Lot: YouTube Link

Eight Things You Did Not Know About LFTI

Hello everyone! Happy Monday. I hope you all enjoyed the Super Bowl. I sure did! I was in a theater watching The Wrestler. Brilliant movie. I had no idea Mickey Rourke looks so much like William Shatner these days. The two could play brothers. Isn't it fun to learn new things?

With that in mind, today I present 8 things you did not know about LFTI. They seem to be fairly Guy-centric, but that's pretty much because I know a lot about the things I did and not as much about what other people did. That's what actors do. They're selfish.

Episode 1: In the original pilot script, the subplot of the microwave did not exist. Watching it now, it seems impossible that the episode could have existed without it.

Episode 2: I bought two giant suckers to use for shooting. There were some questions whether we needed a stunt sucker or not, but the purchase paid off. During shooting in the alleyway, the stick broke, and the sucker shattered all over the pavement. I had to suck a new notch in the stunt sucker to get it ready before we continued shooting. You can tell when I'm using the new sucker because I'm holding it higher up on the stick, so it won't break!

Episode 3: The little paper things in the basket that fly everywhere when Guy's ass is grabbed by Olava are the packaging cups from a tin of Danish butter cookies. Practically, it makes no sense for Mason to have a basket of these in his apartment, but comedy won out over practicality that day.

Episode 4: I was incredibly ill during one day of shooting. Scary ill. But not contagious.

Episode 5: The costume Ashleigh was originally supposed to wear under her robe was a flowery, elegant, Ren Faire affair.

Episode 6: This was our hottest shoot ever, which was unfortunate, since it was shot in HD. Even shrunk down for the Web, the HD footage accentuated our sweatiness something fierce! (Contrast that with Episode 2, which was supposed to be incredibly hot, but turned out to be the coolest shoot we've had. Go figure.)

Episode 7: This script was a merging of two separate ideas from both Steven R. and Robb; Mason's unnamed, reverse-engineering nemesis was combined with Mason's brother, Dixon, who had some kind of claustrophobic issue and thus could not come into the apartment.

Episode 8: The boom box used in the episode is my Casio KX-101, which I've had for over 23 years.

Wait, Episode 8? Was that just a sneak of some kind? It was, dear reader! It was!

I hope you found this informative. If somehow you already knew any of these things you did not know, then I present you with this prize: The end of the post!

What a Bunch of Turkey!

I have been waxing long-winded about stuff here lately, so here's a nice fluffy post that will mean nothing to the future of humanity, as did the others.

I got an e-mail from a friend who obviously does not subscribe to our large, easy-to-see iTunes podcast. He was asking me, "Hey, what does Guy's shirt say in the Thanksgiving short?"

On the off chance you have the same question because, like my friend, you obviously do not subscribe to our generously-sized, clear-as-a-crisp-New-England-winter-day iTunes podcast, here it is, in all its easy-to-see glory (click to see it even bigger):



Ah! Turkey! On board! I see! On board! A turkey!

Glad to clear that up.

We have a long and illustrious history of making custom shirts for Guy to wear. "Daddy's Boy" for episode 5. "This is My Best Shirt" for episode 6. See? Long and oh, so illustrious! When it came time to do a Thanksgiving short, we knew Guy had to wear something Thanksgivingy, and the chances of just finding something ready-to-wear were slim. Especially in September, when we actually shot the thing. Not much turkey going on in September.

I came up with two T-shirt phrases, probably just one morning in the shower. Or maybe while making graham crackers and apple butter. Though, come to think of it, I have not made graham crackers and apple butter in a few years, and I have showered recently, so it was probably more likely the former.

Two choices. Yes. The first was what you see above, and the second was "I'm with Turkey," also having the same arrow pointing to the stomachal area. (There's a veiled reference to episode 8 in that last sentence. Bookmark this page and come back in January to see what it is!)

We chose "Turkey On Board" because we had to choose something. We had trouble deciding, really. "Turkey On Board" is silly, ridiculous, and conjures a pretty amusing though unoffensive image. "I'm with Turkey" is a triple-fronted assault, referencing the famous "I'm with Stupid" shirts, pointing at a stomach full of Thanksgiving turkey, and, most disturbingly, suggesting that Guy is pregnant with a turkey baby.

It is perhaps that last item that made us go with the easier-to-digest (ba-dump BUMP!) "Turkey On Board."

Just so we can have some fun, I have re-designed the graphic, and we can now see what it would have actually been like had we chosen the other phrase. Enjoy!

Hell, That's Where!

The subject of this post assumes you've been asking the following question of me: "Where the hell have you been?" That is the first most commonly-asked question I've received in the last month or so. The second most commonly-asked question is, "And did you bring me back something nice?"

Really, have I been in hell? Well, no. I've been in Australia! And San Francisco! One was not hell, one was a sort of very mild hell. Very very mild hell. Mild like a yellow capsicum.

Australia was a just-over-two-week trip that I had been planning with a friend of mine for over a year. It was a fantastic time, but needless to say, I was not going to be posting LFTI news while I was in the southern hemisphere. My posts would have been all backwards because of that. Despite this fact, Australia was not hell.

As soon as I was back from Australia, I had to leap right into production on a work thing. I produce and run the audio video portions of our major gatherings, see, so I had lots and lots of meetings and plannings and goings on to deal with. Then it was off to San Fran for 9 days to hole up in a ballroom for 18 hours a day and eat room service over and over and over again. Thus was San Francisco a very mild form of a relatively pedestrian, low-rent hell.

Poor poor me!

But now, all that is behind me. My new most important project is LFTI episode 8! Though I missed some rehearsals while I was away, the couple I was at were great fun, and I think this episode is going to be much funnier than I had originally anticipated. Not that I thought it was going to be unfunny, mind you. It's always been funny. But now that we have Laura in full gear and Stephen Simon has joined us, we have a crack team of humorists ready to humorize their humorous guts out. That's something you're going to love to see, trust me!

Since I'm the one who loves to ruin all the surprises around here via lists of wacky-sounding nonsense, I may as well be the one to tell you that episode 8 has nothing to do with kittens, clay poker chips, Slip 'n' Slide, avuncular shenanigans, suspect propane regulators, brie, thumbtacks, Virgin Galactic, ceramic figurines, or capsicums.

I have to warn you, however, that thumbtacks may be involved without our knowledge. And yes, I did learn what a capsicum is while I was in Australia. The only capsicums that could potentially be involved in episode 8 is if for craft services we order pizza with peppers. Those won't end up on-camera, though, so you have nothing to worry about.

Finally, in conclusion, to summarize... No, I'm sorry. I did not bring you back something nice. I could not keep the Mövenpick from melting.

Speaking of G'Day...

What's my sorry excuse for not posting Monday like I was supposed to?

Vacation!

I wasn't on vacation yet, but still... I'm leaving on a pretty big trip, so I've been distracted all week getting ready. I'm going to Australia. It's going to be marvy fun. Thanks to a plentitude of miles, I get to fly there in this fancy seat:

Er, well, yes, it looks like one of those Japanese capsule hotels, exploded for easy viewing, but this is going to be my seat. Indeed, this First Class Travel Pod will probably afford me more room than a capsule hotel. I think it includes a sound- and fellow-passenger-drunk-on-free-booze-proof forcefield.

So I'm off tonight on this exciting adventure. I'll be gone until September 28th. If I find any time to post about LFTI while I'm away, I shall! But I plan on being off the grid for most— er, I'm sorry, I meant "off the grid." That is a phrase that deserves quotes. I plan on being "off the grid" for most of the trip.

In the meantime, enjoy Monday's new Lou short! It's great. And Robb outdid himself on the credits.

G'day!

The Romance of Blind Dogma

Happy post Labor Day, everyone! And if you live in a country other than the U.S., no, it makes no sense.

I of course was supposed to post yesterday, but as it was a holiday and I spent a good portion of the day hanging out with the LFTI cast making secret props for our next shoot, I ran out of time. So you get me today.

I hope you have all enjoyed the new short that went up yesterday, "The Distractionation Index." This is my first writing and directing gig on LFTI, so this is a good jumping off point to talk about the Lou shorts in more detail.

So you certainly understand by now that the first short, "*subject to change," was meant to be a "fake" episode. When we came up with the idea of Lou and who she was and how she would interact with the characters, we decided that instead of a full-blown episode dealing exclusively with Lou's entrance, it'd be fun to do a series of shorts that set up her relationship to each of the other main characters. To start that off, however, we needed Lou's grand entrance.

We came up with the idea that the first short starts off as the most ridiculous episode of LFTI—or perhaps any sitcom—ever. Each character comes into the apartment and adds to the insanity in more and more eye-rolling ways until it's time for Kate's entrance, and then... uh, that's not Kate. "Who the hell are you?" As you know by now, Lou brings the proceedings to a halt (thankfully), reveals a bit of her background, solves everyone's lunatic problems, and then is off in a flash. Oh, except that she creates difficulties of her own, thus fitting perfectly into Mason's world.

The flashbacks are really the core of "*subject to change," and they were the most fun to create. Except my Arby's hat. Eh, I take it back... the Arby's hat was a pain in the ass to create. That's why I'm going to be damn sure to wear it for all future semi-formal occasions.

As pain-in-the-assish as the Arby's hat was, and as fun as the Lou flashbacks were to shoot, I'll leave those subjects for another time. The flashbacks alone deserve a full post. Who knows? Someone else might write about them sooner than you think. Or not. Really, we don't plan these posts out as good as all that.

So this week is the first of the four follow-up shorts showcasing Lou in her escapades with the rest of the cast. Thanks to Lou's character already being so strongly defined, I got the idea that it would be very funny to see Lou showing flash cards to someone as some kind of useless but very serious but not at all that serious test. The funniest pairing for that was obviously Jennifer or Guy, but Robb already had a hilarious Lou/Guy short, so Jennifer it was. Writing the short was actually very easy, because the main ideas were solid, I guess, and so the absurdity of the situation was all that had to be invented. I can invent absurdity well.

I will probably not be asked this question, so I'll answer it to be sure I never am: Do the flash cards have any deep meaning? No. The only questions I asked when thinking up the flash cards were, "What's amusing to put on a flash card?" and "How can the humor of the cards build?" The cards were not thought about in connection with the actual dialogue. Which leads to an interesting psychological puzzle: The cards appear to be random yet symbolic when paired with the dialogue. Since I claim the cards were dreamed up mostly randomly, does this mean my own subconscious mind was at work inventing the proper flash cards for the proper moments in the script? If so, what does this short say about me and my mind? Discuss. 20 points.

During shooting in the side yard of the apartment, we were assaulted with the usual assortment of environmental sounds, including cars and planes and birds. We even got a sample of someone's personal music playlist. Because of this, Robb thought it'd be fun to use those sounds and even add to them. Thus the surreal and faintly distracting noises you may or may not hear underneath the dialogue of "Distractionation." Robb might have some fun and interesting things to say regarding the sound AND MUSIC *AHEM AHEM* he created here.

Not only was the short my first LFTI directorial effort, but it was my first since film school. I love and respect all the LFTI cast, so it was interesting trying to balance my original concept for the short, the new and fun stuff the actors brought in their acting satchels 'o goodness, and the realities of real-world shooting. I know I could have done some things differently, but I'm very happy with the short. I can't wait to direct some more and learn from my mistakes.

"The Distractionation Index" is probably our most pseudo-experimental LFTI video yet, and I'm glad everyone was so supportive of it. I'm also glad it's getting good feedback so far. A british friend of mine was particularly fond of it, which is the best compliment we can receive.

I think the next Lou short is going to be a  big hit as well, and we can't wait for that to go up on September 15th!

Oh, and P.S.: Japanese Noh mask and phrenology chart down, bone with a bow, Red Vines, and romantic mood lighting to go.

This is Not a Very Good Blog Post

I just got off the phone with Earthlink because my DSL is, once again, incredibly slow. Verizon is really screwing me on this DSL service! (Earthlink just resells Verizon, you see. At least to me.) Posting this is a painful experience tonight, let me tell you.

But that's neither there nor here.

Robb suggested I write about how we all took turns running camera for "*subject to change," the first Lou short, released Monday. Did I say "first"? Yes I did! That's right, gents and gams, we're releasing 4 more shorts every other Monday! All of them center around our new and, we think, fantastic character, Lou. The next short is up September 1, so be on the lookout!

Tanya talked about Lou and Laura on Saturday, but I just wanted to re-state that this huge change for the show was a big challenge for us. We have some wonderful fans, people who watch every single episode and short and music video we've put out, and we did not want to let them down in any way. So far, the response has been great! We were so excited once we came up with Lou, and once we got Laura on board, and now, it seems, so are you!

By "you" I mean our fans. Because only fans read our blog. Which makes our blog-reading fans even double extra super special.

Robb has been working hard on the next short, which will be my own first writing and directing credit for LFTI. He's done some great stuff with it, and it's going to, we hope, be as well received as our first Lou video. I can't wait 'til you all see it.

Speaking of "it," did you know the contest winner's name is in the credits of "*subject to change"? A big, marvy congrats to Pie Wrangler Eric, who has no idea how much pie is a part of our lives here at LFTI.

Speaking of "contest," you now must realize which 4 of the 9 "true" contest items have already shown up in this no-longer "episode." "Guv'nuh. Guv'neh?", the forty-three blue-and-white four-color pens, Gavin MacLeod, and the minor e-mail miscommunication are all off the table. That leaves... well, the others, which I'm too lazy to type out again. Two of them show up in the next short. Tension! Drama! Intrigue!

Well, it seems I've gone off on a ramblin' spree and not talked about how we shot "*subject to change." But don't you worry. I can tackle that topic later, when I'm not all ADD on everyone's asses. Sorry, Robb! It's already 15 minutes past my newly-instituted bedtime, my DSL is still sucking, and my neighbors are being loud as usual. Time to log out, wash up, pop in the ol' earplugs, and get some tossin' and turnin' out of the way.

"Scandal!"

Behold our attention-grabbing headline! We seem to have a scandal on our hands!

Actually, not really. It's not really a scandal. It's not even a "scandal." Let's just say there are "issues" with the "results" of "our" "contest." Is that enough vaguey-quotes for you?

Robb will be posting more about the contest "thingy" tomorrow, but I just wanted to let you know that we are very excited. Not about the "scandal" "itself," but about having a "contest" in the "first" place. We're also very excited that our upcoming "episode" is almost upon us!

People living under rocks or in caves tend to be very well informed about the goings on here at the LFTI blog, but in case you've been living a full and rich life lately, you may have missed the results of our contest, which ended last night. (The contest ended last night, not the results. Please excuse me if there was any confusion on this point stemming from my lack of grammatical finesse.)

While the contest "results," though "announced," may "be" in "doubt," the revelation as to which listed items will be in our upcoming "episode" is without a doubt. It's doubtless. Undoubtable. And intriguing! Go see the list for yourself if you haven't already. Which of these things will be in our latest "episode"? Let me tell you, here, now, following this colon:

• Bone with a bow
  
• Red Vines
  
• Japanese Noh mask
  
• "Guv'nuh. Guv'neh?"
  
• Forty-three blue-and-white four-color pens
  
• Phrenology chart
  
• Romantic mood lighting
  
• Gavin MacLeod
  
• Minor e-mail miscommunication
  

Could that be more intriguing? No! It couldn't! Well, maybe. But only if it were wearing a trench coat and smoking a filterless cigarette beneath a flickering streetlamp on a rain-slicked street corner at the black-and-white edge of Nowhereville.

The good news—and there is good news, friends!—is that the first part of our new and exciting, non-trench-coat-wearing episode-in-quotes will be live next Monday, August 18th. Can you believe it? We hardly can. It's been a long road, but we believe it's well worth it. We hope you believe it, too.

So starting Monday, and continuing every other Monday following for ten weeks ("Ten?" "Ten!"), you'll see all of the items listed above. Be looking for them! I can reveal that fully four of them will be in Monday's video.

What won't be in the video Monday, but will be in the follow-up parts? Aside from the remaining five items? Excellent question. The below-listed are what you can look forward to in parts two through five. ("Two through five?" "Two through five!")

• Contractual amour
• A splendid view
• Petite Sirah
• A dubious psychological examination
  

Boy, I'll bet you can't wait. Hopefully you can't wait so much that you've forgotten entirely about our little "scandal." If, for some reason, you have not forgotten about our little "scandal," I suggest you tune in tomorrow, when everything will be explained and 100% "transparency" will "blossom" like "mushrooms" in "poop."

"See" "you" "then!"

The Contest is Ending! Get Your Entry In Today!

Just what the headline says. Yes, the last day to enter the contest is Monday! That means on Tuesday, we'll announce the winner and tell you which of the 18 items on the list are coming up in our next vids. And the next vids are coming up much sooner than you could possibly imagine.

Go enter now!

Sorry! No Time!

I'm sorry, I can not post today. Yes, I know, this is horrible news, and puts me in a bad light, but I have some very good reasons. You might think it's because Robb's birthday is today, but that has nothing to do with it.



Not at all.

There are four reasons why I will not be writing a post today.

1) Yesterday, this happened:

followed swiftly by this:

2) Today, for reasons mostly unconnected with the events of yesterday, I am in Cupertino. Obviously, I can not post to the LFTI blog while I'm in northern California. It simply makes no sense to do so.

3) This evening, the following was in evidence:

No one was hurt.

4) 461 people have entered our contest. The overwhelming response has caused mass panic and the illegal hiring of five interns.

So you see, it's not that I don't want to write a post. I really do. I thoroughly enjoy writing for the blog. But what with all these distractions, plus the final shooting day of our new "episode" coming up Saturday, I simply can not find the time to do so. I hope you'll find forgiveness in your heart. If not, then might I suggest a great class at The Learning Annex, "Stress, Environment, and the Modern You: Delegation, Kindness, Forgiveness, Tact: Four Traits for Soul Cleansing: A Post-Holistic Approach." This wonderful 30-minute seminar is taught by the very present Murray Seacruft, late of Pablo Fanques Fair.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have only moments to defuse the following situation:

For Want of 30, the 24 was Lost

Things are going full-speed ahead over at the contest. Yes, we have three whole entries! Around here, that's like a stampede. Thanks to eric, Dave, and joe for entering so far. We know there are hundreds more of you who want to enter but are intimidated by your chances of winning. I can not re-iterate enough that the prize is really not worth stressing out about. I mean, as cool and exciting as it is to get your name in the credits for our next video, really, it's not like we'll be curing cancer in your name, or giving you a free trip on Virgin Galactic. So don't let the pressure dissuade you from entering. Go ahead! It's fun! Even if you get them all wrong, you will have gained an important cache of knowledge.

Speaking of prizes, wouldn't it be cool if we could give out a DVD of our first 6 episodes as a contest prize? Why, yes, it certainly would. Well today I will blog the saga of why we so far do not have an LFTI DVD available to buy or win.

The one item holding our DVD back is Episode 6. This is the only episode that was shot with two cameras simultaneously, both of them HDV jobbies. Scott, the director, had fantastic access to these fancy cameras, as well as cameramen and post facilities, so Episode 6 was the only episode that we've shot in high def and on multiple cameras.

Our normal set-up, in case you're wondering, is a single Panasonic AG-DVX100A camera, which we use to shoot at standard-def 24p anamorphic.

Unfortunately, for reasons pretty much unknown, one of the HDV cameras shooting Episode 6 was set to 30fps, not 24fps. That made half of the footage used in the episode look like it came from some terrible soap opera. Online, you really can't see the difference unless you have very sharp eyes, like the eyes not of a potato. However, as soon as Episode 6 is seen on a TV, it looks horrifying.

Robb started the DVD production process, but I took it over in an effort to spare him the extra work. That made me the one in charge of finding out how to turn Episode 6's 30fps shots back into 24fps. Of course, even though we shoot at 24, the video is really actually 30. The camera does some processing to get the 24 to fit onto 30, giving it that "film look." So really what I had to do was find something that would take our 30 footage, toss out some frames, then double up on other frames so it looked like the footage had been faux-24-ed in-camera.

Got it? I'd go into more detail, but you really don't want me to do that, do you?

Okay, so I needed a plug-in to Final Cut Pro that would do something like I described above. After some asking around on Apple's forums, I got the recommendation to use a Nattress plug-in, Film Effects. There were a zillion settings for the Film Effects G Film filter, so I had to test a bunch of them out to see what would give us the best 30-to-24 conversion. For each round of tests, the samples had to be output to DVD, because you can really only see the results for realsies on a bona-fide TV.

The process of testing the plug-in settings did not go uninterrupted. We shot an episode somewhere in there, and lost a cast member, and had to re-jigger the show, so work on this Episode 6 conversion had to wait.

However, I have since nailed down the best setting to use, and now all I have left to do is... take the entire episode, go through it shot-by-shot, isolate all the 30fps footage, then apply the G Film filter and render the whole thing. This is what I need to do, and though I have a good fourth of the episode separated, it will take some time to do the rest.

That, in a clam shell, is why we do not have a DVD of Life from the Inside Episodes 1–6. It's coming, but it's not here yet.

It has been incredibly frustrating, this 24/30fps thing. Why one camera was shooting one way and another was shooting the other—across multiple shoot days—is beyond me. It is all water under the Nattress, however, and with just a bit more work, our first DVD will be ready for your viewing pleasure.

Until then, how about getting your name in the credits? Sounds pretty dang swell, huh? Almost as good as curing cancer or flying in space? Then high-tail it on over and enter our contest! Fame awaits!

Our First Contest!

NOTE: The contest is now over, but go visit the contest post to see the answers and find out who is the big, big, big, big winner!

* * * * *

Yes, my last post has officially turned into a contest! Isn't that exciting? Okay, so it's a pretty simple contest, but Jessica Simpson is simple, and look how much people love her?

So how do you participate in this contest? Easy! 

• Go visit the original post here.
• Read it.
• Contemplate the list therein.
• Choose which of the 18 items you feel will be in our upcoming "episode," and which will not.
  
• Write a comment on that original post (not this one!), putting the number of the item, and then TRUE or T for the items you think will be in the "episode" or FALSE or F for those you think won't be. (Click here to get to the comments.)
• Wait for glory and fame to come your way!

Okay, so how are we going to dole out glory and fame, considering we have none ourselves? Easy! The winner's name will be put in the credits of our very next video (which, incidentally, is our next "episode"). You can't beat that with a wet stick! Imagine how much cooler that prize is than 52 boxes of Rice-A-Roni, the San Francisco Treat!

Ah, you've caught the flaw in my logic. We have no glory, nor any fame, so how will attaching your name to the show get you both of those things? Er... well... uh...

Look! A condor!

Here are a few notes about the contest.

In order to post your prize-winning comment, you have to have a Google ID (Google, Gmail, Blogger, etc.) or an OpenID (see here... you may already have one). Spammers have forced us to require this. Take it up with them.

The contest will remain open approximately 2 weeks. We will close it in enough time to get the winner's name in the credits.

Please only enter once. I mean, really, are glory and fame worth cheating for? History demonstrates, quite obviously, that they ain't.

Entries become the property of Hank Yokel, who will use them in his country store to attract new business and up-sell customers on feed and livery.

Have fun! Good luck! Godspeed!

True or False? Only Time Will Tell

NEW NOTE: The contest is now over. See the comments for the answers and to find out who won.

* * * * *

NOTE: If you came here from the contest banner or another link, you may first want to read about how this post is now a contest. Wild, eh?

* * * * *

Today saw the release of our first LFTI Extras video. (It's also on YouTube and iTunes.) I hope you enjoy it as much as we enjoyed making it. Yes, we made it. We shot the material surrounding the extras, to give them a vehicle in which to shine. Like pineapple tidbits in aspic.

Oh, but do not you fret, you fretless wonder, you! We are well on the way to fresh, new content! Fun and exciting content! Content that we can't wait to show you! In fact, we spent 25 hours this weekend shooting the next exciting installment of LFTI. With the set reaching 1,091°, it was an often grueling shoot. But everyone persevered, and we have some unique and funny stuff. At least we think we do. I suppose you'll all be the judge of that.

In keeping with our recent infuriatingly frustrating penchant for secrecy, I will talk no more of what we shot this weekend except to give you the following phrases. Some of these are somehow connected to our upcoming "episode," and some of them are not. Can you guess which is which?

1. Bone with a bow.

2. Red vines.

3. Chicken wattle.

4. Japanese Noh mask.

5. Cup of hot ketchup.

6. Thigh-high chukka boots.

7. "Guv'nuh. Guv'neh?"

8. Dick Cavett.

9. The Wizards of Waverly Cracker.

10. Forty-three blue-and-white four-color pens.

11. Phrenology chart.

12. Skee-Ball Certificate of Achievement.

13. Romantic mood lighting.

14. Gavin MacLeod.

15. Minor e-mail miscommunication.

16. "Two two two mints in one!"

17. Missing unicycle license.

18. Maury Povich.

There. Now, if we've done our job thus far with LFTI, you won't be able to tell which of these are in the upcoming "episode" and which are not. Feel free to post your guesses in the comments. Whoever gets the most answers correct before the next videos air will win a special prize! We have no idea what that special prize might be, so I won't tell you what it is. Isn't that infuriatingly frustrating?

Go! Guess! Then enjoy those pins and needles you'll be sitting on for the next few weeks.

UPDATE: Yes, friends, we've decided to make this a real contest. The prize? Getting your name in the credits of our upcoming "episode"! Really, in the scheme of things, it would be impossible for this to be any cooler... if you take cash, trips, cars, jewelry, or any other material good off the table.

So I've added numbers to each of the above items in the list. All you have to do is post a comment below and give us the number and if it's TRUE (it's in the upcoming "episode") or FALSE (it's nowhere to be found in the upcoming "episode.")

Good luck!

Boom! There It Is

One of the hardest things about doing a show with no budget is finding crew. I don't mean people to row our sculls... that's a whole other issue. No, I mean people to do the unglamorous but wholly important behind-the-camera work. Even the more glamorous jobs, such as cinematographer, are often difficult to fill.

What's the worst of all the jobs on set? No, not driver. We're too small to have drivers. And not animal waste wrangler. So far, we've avoided needing to have someone around for that. And certainly not Lindsay Lohan's on-set detox technician. Lindsay turned us down for episode 6, after all. No, the worst job on our set is boom operator.

You might be sitting there saying to yourself, "Wow, boom operator! That sounds fun! Loud! Pyrotechnic! I'd love to operate some boom!" Well, it's my sad duty to tell you that that's not exactly what the boom operator does. No, the boom operator holds the boom pole which supports the microphone that captures the auditory brilliance of the show.

Does that still not sound so bad to you? Well, let me describe the job in more detail. We're about to have a fire drill, so you'll have to forgive me if I have to interrupt myself in the middle.

So imagine a scene, any scene, from just about any movie or TV show you've ever enjoyed or not enjoyed or even loathed. Okay, fine, I'll pick one for you. Say there's a scene between four people in a warehouse, and the shot is wide, where you can see the whole group and their feet and heads and probably some crates or shipping containers inside which are black 16GB iPhone 3Gs. (Very rare as of this writing.) So you're seeing this scene, and you can hear all the people in it perfectly. Now, assuming their dialogue was not looped (re-recorded later in a studio), their chatter had to be captured somehow on the set. Most likely, it was captured by a boom operator.

In the example above, the boom operator would have to hold a very long pole with the shotgun mic at the end of it, making sure it's high enough to be out of frame, yet close enough to capture the dialogue. Often, the boom has to be held aloft, over the operator's head. He or she has to do this over and over and over, for every take of every shot. Since they have to pay attention to the scene, too, they can not relax while the boom is up there. It's tiring and demanding. It's work.

The fire drill happened right in the middle of that last paragraph and you probably didn't even notice, huh? Great! That's means you're engrossed.

So, you can see why it's very hard for us to find people who want to hold a pole over their head all day for no pay. It is with all this in mind that I would like to give a special thanks to everyone who has been boom operator for LFTI. Without them, we'd have a silent sitcom, which, if you've never seen one, is something to avoid at all costs. Please visit the credit page of each episode or our pages at IMDb to pay homage. If you don't have time to do that, please take a moment out of your day today to give silent praise for those who sacrifice their arms in the name of the sitcom.

Unscripted

LFTI is a very carefully scripted show. Each episode is refined and honed a great deal before it's ready to shoot. With this in mind, it might be important to note that we did a little something... extra this weekend. We shot an improvised scene.

I won't give away too much about why we shot an improvised scene. In fact, I just deleted two paragraphs about it! Now isn't that mysterious! There's been so much mystery here lately that we could batter it, deep-fry it, and sell it to you on a stick. (For a very reasonable price, of course.)

I myself was not too sure how it would work, this idea we were shooting. It seemed like a stretch to get our characters to introduce what they were introducing without actually introducing it, as an introducer might introduce things requiring introduction. I am pleased to say that I am now very excited to see the final results! Aren't you?

Robb came up with a framework to riff off of, and we went from there, making it up as we went. The shoot turned out to be a lot of fun, and hopefully produced enough amusing material to craft into a small scene that just happens to include what it includes (see preceding paragraphs regarding mystery and introductions). Whatever we get, it should feel just a little bit different from a LFTI episode or short. In a good way!

Of course, I had to improvise a bit explaining Guy's hair. See, some cuttress took about 40 yards too much off my mop during my last haircut. It was my first time bringing my custom to this particular lady, and though I gave her stills of episode 7 and said, "My hair needs to look like this in 3 to 4 weeks," she roundly ignored me, as most cuttresses and cutterers do. Yet I still tipped her because I hate to be seen as a cad. It's something I need to work on, this Cuttress Distortion Field where no matter what the cuttress is doing to my hair, I say, "Yes, looks great! Sure, it's wonderful! Yes, wow, hey, look!" It always happens! It only takes a few steps out of the salon before the CDF wears off, and I go, "Gosh. This is nothing like what I wanted. I wish this were Best Buy and I could cram my haircut back into the blister pack from which it emerged and exchange it for a better one." Though it's my hair with which the cuttress is playing God, I feel I can't speak up and say, "Hey, that's going just a bit too far, there, missy! Let's take this scissor train back a couple clicks!" I suppose even if I did feel I could speak up in this way, it'd be way too late to do anything about it anyway. It is truly a bizarre phenomenon, the CDF, and part of my personality that I really need to work on.

But I can pay someone for that. You're here for free, and thirsting for entertainment, and my rambling about my dratted hair will provide none of that for you. So just be looking for a new, improv-ed LFTI video soon. Soonish. Well, sorta soon. I mean, we are gearing up for episode... 8. Ish. And Robb has to get this scene edited whilst we prepare for episode... 8. Ish. Just be aware that a new video is coming, and your patience will be rewarded. Soonish.

Shhhhh!

I didn't so much forget to blog yesterday as not remember to do so. What's the difference? Well, if I'd forgotten to blog, I would have woken up this morning and gone, "Oh, croop! I forgot to blog!"

Instead, I knew very well as the day progressed yesterday that I was not blogging. "I need to blog," I constantly told myself. But I never did. So when I got up tis morning and realized I hadn't blogged, I went, "Oh, shoot. I didn't remember to blog."

You can see the difference, I trust.

Anyway, part of the reason I didn't end up blogging is because there are all kinds of fun things to discuss, but I can't. Yes, you heard that right. I can't discuss our plans. We're going all stealth on your asses and keeping our next, post-Kate steps a secret! Well, they aren't really a secret so much as a surprise. What's the difference? A secret means we'd be trying very hard not to let anyone know anything and probably keep it that way into the foreseeable future. Or forever, like Bush and all his terrorist-proof evildoing.

Instead, we're keeping it a surprise. This means we're kinda loose-lipped with our plans amongst friends around the dinner table or when congregating before going to see WALL-E, but we're not gonna reveal anything online. What we're doing will be revealed eventually, at the right time. Surprise!

You can see the difference, I wager.

Anyway, without being able to rely on the juicy fun that is to come on the show as a source of blogging fodder, I sorta went blank yesterday.

But do not fear! I will write a blog post today instead! And it will be fantastic! It will be about remembering and secrets and forgetting and surprises! It will be mysterious and teasing! It will provide needed distraction without providing any of the recommended daily allowance of vitamins and minerals! It will be my shortest post in years! And best of all, every single sentence in its final paragraph will end with an exclamation point!

The Following Conversation Never Took Place

The headline is true. The following conversation between the three producers of LFTI never really did take place. Our actual conversations on this topic were much less colorful and interesting, though the real solution is probably going to be more viable and humorful.

* * * * * *

"Okay, so Kate will not be a regular part of the show anymore. What do we do?"

"I say we add a new character to replace her."

"I agree."

"Really? I don't think so. It's been done to death."

"True."

"Isn't that the 'sit' part of 'sitcom'?"

"No."

"I agree."

"So if we don't replace Kate with a new character, do we just leave the cast at four characters?"

"That's a bit unbalanced. We need a fifth character to—"

"Non-character."

"—Yes, non-character to create the 5-person imb—"

"Non-person."

"—Yes, non-person to... imbalance... what was I saying?"

"Probably something about cake."

"No, I get it. We need a 5th... something in Kate's place. But what? An animal? We could add an animal to the cast."

"Like a shark? Yeah, we could put a shark in the cast, then the other characters can all spend the next episode jumping it."

"If you don't like the animal idea, just say so."

"I don't like the animal idea."

"Yeah, me neither. Could it be some kind of super-sentient, non-corporeal being?"

"What, like in Star Trek or something?"

"Er... Yeah. Er... No."

"No."

"No."

"Inanimate, then."

"Probably. Not much choice left if they can't be human or animal or non-corporeal."

"Okay, so an inanimate object. Sounds cool. Unique. I don't think this has ever been done."

"Vegetable or mineral?"

"Vegetable."

"I don't know. No one likes vegetables."

"I love vegetables! Some of them, anyway."

"It could be a tree. That's vegetable without being a vegetable."

"Oh. Right."

"No, we don't have to stick with such rigid boundaries! There are many things that are neither vegetable nor mineral! Like an awning."

"I think that would fall under mineral."

"Really?"

"Technically. If its not animalistic or vegetablistic, it falls under mineral."

"Missiles are ballistic."

"Ha! Ha ha. Ha."

"Okay, well, whether it's a mineral or ballistic or not, I think we need to find something that would fit into the situation. You know, the 'sit' of 'sitcom.'"

"Fit in like in the apartment?"

"Yeah."

"The keyboard! That fits in perfectly, both in the apartment and situation-wise."

"It does kinda work..."

"Except the keyboard has been in every episode already, but has not been called out. It needs to be something new."

"Yeah. Maybe... the sofa? No, also been there."

"Not the new sofa."

"Oh, yeah! The new sofa!"

"Shhhhhh! Don't give that away! It's a major plot point for #8!"

"Sorry. Should I delete my tweet about it?"

"I did that already."

"Good."

"It can't be the sofa. I think it should be something portable, and something we haven't seen before."

"Yeah, we don't want two characters—"

"NON-characters!"

"We don't want two non-characters who can't leave the apartment."

"You mean we don't want one character and one non-character who can't leave the apartment."

"What, as they say, ever."

"Let's focus."

"A book. A lamp."

"A pencil. A bottle. A toiletry."

"A Christmas ornament. A bag of peas. A phone number."

"Isn't a phone number non-corporeal?"

"Not if it's written down."

"A hat. A shoe. A pair of socks. A dirndl."

"Shorts. Jeans. Underwear."

"Oh, all of that stuff!"

"Clothes! Mason's clothes!"

"Oh, yeah! A pile of Mason's clothes! Think of all the symbolism that could bring!"

"And the irony."

"And the marketing options."

"This is great."

"I think we can do this."

"So it's settled. We'll replace Kate with a pile of Masons clothes..."

"They should be clean."

"...with a pile of Mason's clean clothes..."

"In a laundry basket."

"...with a pile of Mason's clean clothes in a laundry basket."

"This is exciting!"

"I can't wait 'til our fans see this!

"I can say for certain that there are no MASSIVE FAILURES in our future!"

Graphical Fakery

If I write this quickly, I can still make my Monday posting deadline! I should be in bed, but blogs come first.

Now that you've seen the final part of Episode 7 (hopefully several times so our YouTube count can go sky high), I can reveal the following graphical items. Since Robb only has two hands, I took on some of the designing duties for numero 7. Here, then, are my contributions.

You can click on any of the pics below to see them larger.

If I were to go chronologically—and I am going to go chronologically—the first graphic up would be the batteries. Yes, believe it or not, those batteries had fake labels! You never know when something's going to get a decent close-up, so you just have to design things as if they will.

The "copper top" color on this label looks way off, but that's 'cause I had to adjust it for printing. I never can get the hang of color calibration.



Then came those obnoxious customers on their Bluetooth headsets. We wanted to put a capper on their obnoxiousness, so we came up with the credit card idea. Ah, but which credit card should it be? Why, the American Express Black card, a card so exclusive, no one even knows if they really, truly exist! Well, that's not true. They do exist. But I'll never see one in person, that's for sure.

To be sure the card was not 100% AMEX, I decided to reverse the letters, in keeping with the palindrome/reversal theme of the episode. Since we never heard the name of the obnoxious customers, I was free to name him anything I wanted. Oh, and make him a lot, lot older than he actually was.





Next up, the ABSRD flyer. The goal with this was to make it look like Jennifer had whipped it up herself in a few minutes. I took the party invite Corrie had done herself for Episode 1 and tried to simulate her handwriting. As it is, I think it looks like a guy trying to get his writing to look like a girl's writing.





The hardest thing to do on the flyer, aside from making the panels fit properly between the folds, was the drawing of the little dog chasing the Frisbee into the grain thresher. My drawing skills have atrophied over the years, so this took some warming up to get it right. I wanted the thresher to be evil-looking, like no living being could survive a run-in with the thing. Then there was the doggie. Was this really Stumbles, or did Jennifer draw a different dog because the memories were still too painful?



Now we come to final and most exciting item on this graphical tour!



I know. Right. That took me, like, three minutes. But even this hat design has a back story. See, I figured that Guy, after buying everything else for his boot camp, realized that he needed a hat. So he dashed into a mall to one of those make-your-own-hat kiosks. Sadly, in his hurried state, he could not remember how to spell "sergeant." Of course, the poor girl getting paid $2.36 an hour couldn't spell it, either, so this was the result.

And lookie there! Just under the wire! My post is on time!, Well, I hope you enjoyed Episode 7. See you real soon!