"Scandal!"

Behold our attention-grabbing headline! We seem to have a scandal on our hands!

Actually, not really. It's not really a scandal. It's not even a "scandal." Let's just say there are "issues" with the "results" of "our" "contest." Is that enough vaguey-quotes for you?

Robb will be posting more about the contest "thingy" tomorrow, but I just wanted to let you know that we are very excited. Not about the "scandal" "itself," but about having a "contest" in the "first" place. We're also very excited that our upcoming "episode" is almost upon us!

People living under rocks or in caves tend to be very well informed about the goings on here at the LFTI blog, but in case you've been living a full and rich life lately, you may have missed the results of our contest, which ended last night. (The contest ended last night, not the results. Please excuse me if there was any confusion on this point stemming from my lack of grammatical finesse.)

While the contest "results," though "announced," may "be" in "doubt," the revelation as to which listed items will be in our upcoming "episode" is without a doubt. It's doubtless. Undoubtable. And intriguing! Go see the list for yourself if you haven't already. Which of these things will be in our latest "episode"? Let me tell you, here, now, following this colon:

• Bone with a bow
  
• Red Vines
  
• Japanese Noh mask
  
• "Guv'nuh. Guv'neh?"
  
• Forty-three blue-and-white four-color pens
  
• Phrenology chart
  
• Romantic mood lighting
  
• Gavin MacLeod
  
• Minor e-mail miscommunication
  

Could that be more intriguing? No! It couldn't! Well, maybe. But only if it were wearing a trench coat and smoking a filterless cigarette beneath a flickering streetlamp on a rain-slicked street corner at the black-and-white edge of Nowhereville.

The good news—and there is good news, friends!—is that the first part of our new and exciting, non-trench-coat-wearing episode-in-quotes will be live next Monday, August 18th. Can you believe it? We hardly can. It's been a long road, but we believe it's well worth it. We hope you believe it, too.

So starting Monday, and continuing every other Monday following for ten weeks ("Ten?" "Ten!"), you'll see all of the items listed above. Be looking for them! I can reveal that fully four of them will be in Monday's video.

What won't be in the video Monday, but will be in the follow-up parts? Aside from the remaining five items? Excellent question. The below-listed are what you can look forward to in parts two through five. ("Two through five?" "Two through five!")

• Contractual amour
• A splendid view
• Petite Sirah
• A dubious psychological examination
  

Boy, I'll bet you can't wait. Hopefully you can't wait so much that you've forgotten entirely about our little "scandal." If, for some reason, you have not forgotten about our little "scandal," I suggest you tune in tomorrow, when everything will be explained and 100% "transparency" will "blossom" like "mushrooms" in "poop."

"See" "you" "then!"